there's a hole in her heart

“to love at all is to be vulnerable.

love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.

if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

-c.s lewis-

one of my friends has a hole in her heart

that's about his size.

(which is really really big. 6'3" big.)

she once was part of a we.

now she is just a me.

and for her, "me" feels pretty "wee" about now.

shattered.

can't breathe.

the end.

...

the thing is...

no matter who broke your heart

or how long it takes to heal,

you'll never get through it without your friends.

[ sex and the city ]

i remember what it feels like to be heartbroken

here's the thing... i wish i could have been mad.

but i was just sad. broken.

the kind of sad that wakes you up 3 hrs before your alarm bellows and grips your chest

(like an elephant is sitting on your heart) and crushes/squeezes out tears from who knows where.

it's exhausting to be so sad.

he was, without a doubt,

the greatest man 

that i had ever had the privilege of loving.

(and i can tell you that because we're friends, and i know that he's definitely not reading this...)

i thought that was it.

in my bones.

the same bones that were crushing my chest every morning.

but eventually time went by and my heart healed.

so, my promise to you dear heartsick friend is to be on round-the-clock heartbreak watch 24/7

i know this: 

it will not last forever.

i know you will move on.

you will be ok.

time is a healer.

love you very very very much

xx

d

[ the me i want to be ]

along the road i’ve met some amazing people who truly do give.  in so many ways... in person and via the written word, in thoughts and acts, big and small.  from a personal perspective and a professional one. i’ve seen the most selfless of selves, handing out their knowledge and passion and enthusiasm so plentifully.  with unfaltering support and pure intentions.  no expectations of a return, generous simply because they don’t know how else to be.  and while I was noticing the selflessness, i was also noticing the happiness that seemed to radiate too.

and then, because people are not made perfect,  i’ve sometimes glimpsed the opposite of that.   random acts of unkindness and selfishness that come from a place of fear.   reactions to events that were never intended to be hurtful or harmful.  poor assumptions.  an inability to remember that we are all just making. our. own. way. there.  as we should.  as we are entitled to. don’t we all dream as children of becoming something special?  of making our parents proud? don’t we all grow up and wake up each day with the hope that we will become what we long for, either through hard work or luck or a portion of both?  isn’t it okay to want to be just a little bit amazing?  even if it means the fragile, hopeful person next door is sometimes amazing too?  we all yearn to reach our full potential yet it’s easy to just become lost in worry that someone else might just do it first.   or better.

there are opportunities every day of our lives to either be giving, or be resentful.  to open our hearts and freely give without expectation and to be amazed at just what comes back.  or to expend so much energy in trying to hold tightly what we see as ours and ours alone that we’re completely consumed by fear, missing out on the chance of so much beauty and thankfulness in return.

i know i always try to teach with this approach but i want it to be more than that.  i aspire to live with giving.  whether it be knowledge or support or concern, or whatever else it might be, i am striving to give with a whole heart.   Every. Single. Day.  to live by the idea that something cannot be taken if you give it away.   and if i do happen to slip, as i no doubt will, i’ll forgive my human-ness and try better next time.   I will give myself leeway.

to those who have crossed my path, thank you.  to my friends and family for giving me the “pretty” in the everyday (and so much else), thank you.  to my students,  for always providing the inspiration to be the me i want to be (and the you i think you will become)... thank you

xx,

d